Today, I want to talk about cock. There’s a good chance if you’re writing erotica you’ll want to talk about cock sometimes too. And as you can see, there are a lot of ways to talk about cock, from One-eyed Snakes and Willies to Circumcised Chubbies.

Hopefully the list above will get your, ahem, creative juices flowing, but there are some caveats:

Variety is the spice of life, but too many cocks spoil the broth

While there are a lot of words available, most people only use one or two. Use whatever seems most natural for your character and don’t try to drop in too much variety just because you think you’ve mentioned cock too many times. Really, it’s OK. We know it’s a cock and trying to change it for lots of different words just starts to get comical. If you find yourself mentioning cock too many times, it may be that you need to take a step back and describe some of the rest of the scene – smells, scenery, tastes, feelings, a bit of conversation.

But it could just be you need cock.

Comic words

OK, so cock is probably king (King Dong?) in our current western society. It feels the most natural, it isn’t embarrassing and it doesn’t make us LOL. Some others really do. Schlong makes me giggle just thinking about it, while willy makes me cringe a little inside. In the second series of Boardwalk Empire, one of the characters calls a man’s penis his winkie (she’s talking about her son when he was a baby in this particular instance, so…), which fits the time period. I wouldn’t use it in a modern setting. Peen O’ Noir is a comic song in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

Trouser snake, little man, todger and the like are probably exclusively used by men referring to their own cock-a-doodle-do, and really only in non-sexual settings. He might drain the snake, but he’s not going to poke you with it.

Medical terms

Penis, glans, meatus, testes…

Medical terms don’t make us swoon. His glans may be large and swollen, but that sounds like something his doctor would tell him with a sniff and a frown. I’d rather hear about the way the soft skin of his head turns lighter with pressure from a gentle finger. Nobody really likes medical terms in erotica, because we want emotion and description, not a blow-by-blow of the mechanics. You’re not writing a how-to guide.

The exception, of course, is terms like erection and circumcised, normally because there aren’t many (or any) suitable alternatives. I’ve used penis occasionally, and you can too, but just be careful that the context doesn’t make it funny or jarring.

On that note, context is everything. I find woody to be quite a comical and awkward word for an erection, but when the Sons of Anarchy name their porn studio “Red Woody”, the tongue-in-cheek nature of it fits the situation.

Flaccid isn’t used often, if ever, in either erotica or general fiction for that matter. I suspect because the thought goes: “What’s the point?” If it’s not excited, then it’s not exciting, in which case it’s like describing someone’s knees or something. Unless there’s something specific to draw attention to, then why bother? Maybe post-sex there might be a reason to say that a cock is flaccid, but this is the exception.

Colourful descriptions

Does his flaming tower of desire start to overflow with the milk of his love? In my opinion, it better not.

Colourful descriptions are rarely seen in erotica, and I thank the goddesses that that’s the case. This sort of thing just makes me either cringe or laugh. If he cums with hot jets of sticky fluid, I want to know every dirty, gorgeous, stringy detail. I don’t want it dressed up in a suit and tie and delivered with a red rose.

We’re talking sex, we’re talking body parts being used for fun and pleasure. We’re not talking about rods of hot steel becoming engorged with molten need.

Anything I’ve forgotten?

Let me know in the comments if I’ve missed out your favourite synonym for cock. Or do you love to hear about white rounds of hot ammo streaming from the muzzle of his fleshy machine gun? Let me know that too! Maybe there’s a caveat I haven’t thought of, or a medical term that gets you all damp and squirmy. Again, let me know in the comments section!

Next time I’ll be talking pussy.