9 Things Erotica Has Taught Me About Myself

I’ve been writing erotica for over 5 years now, and reading it for much longer, and during that time I’ve learnt a lot. I’ve learnt about the craft of writing itself, I’ve learnt how to describe a scene so that others will find it sexy, and I’ve learnt how to structure a sexy story for impact (which I might do posts on sometime!). I’ve also learnt the best words to use, exactly what tentacle sex is and why it can be a turn on and much, much more.

But I’ve also learnt a lot about myself. One of the great things about erotica is its power to teach us technique, turn ons and turn offs, and why some relationships just don’t have that spark.

So here, in no particular order, are 9 things that I’ve learnt about myself by writing and reading erotica.

1. I’m not turned on much by penetrative sex

It’s true. I prefer touching, kissing, licking, stripping, teasing and talking. It’s not just that there’s so much more to sex, either. Of course there is, and if you’re not learning all the rest that goes with it then you’re missing out, but my juices flow much more freely when erotica gives me a glance or a touch, a hand sliding along a thigh or teeth nipping at the base of a throat.

Penetration itself just doesn’t get me going. Certainly not as much as some other things…

2. Sexy lingerie gets my attention

I always knew that I enjoyed wearing sexy underwear. What I didn’t know was how much I liked imagining it on other people. Sexy lingerie in erotica can cover and tease, it can enhance and display, and it can hint at a sexy, carnal nature when paired with more serious items of clothing, like in my free short story “Performance Review“.

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3. Pastel colours make me squirmy

When you think about sexy colours, what pops into your head? Black? Red? White for its innocence and association with the wedding night? Surprisingly, I love pastels. Soft pinks. Powder blues. Pastel yellows. Mauve.

For me, I think it’s the softness, the ease, the gentle nature that it suggests. There’s nothing hurried about pastel colours in erotica, nothing hard or insistent, almost as if you have all the time in the world.

4. I wish my first time was more exciting

I guess like most people, my first few sexual experiences weren’t anything special. And I’m not really complaining. I don’t see virginity as some sacred, valuable gift and I never have.

But you’re only totally innocent once, and when I read about characters playing on that innocence for erotic effect, I kind of wish I could go back and try it out…

5. I like to imagine I’m innocent again

Holly's Ice BreakerSo since I can’t actually be innocent again, erotica allows me to experience that over and over. First time? Yes please! That innocence, that nervousness, that breathlessness of knowing that you want to do things with someone but not having any real frame of reference…

I know I’m not the only one who feels that way either, because “Holly’s Ice Breaker” and “Strip or Dare” are two of my very best sellers!

And if possible give me an older, more experienced partner because:

6. I like the idea of being instructed

Submissive I am not. I have trust issues that aren’t going to go away. But while I might not want someone else to be in control I do like erotica where someone else is in charge. I can imagine myself as the less experienced character, being given suggestions, instructions…being led to try something new or gently, playfully encouraged to explore my sexuality.

7. I like to be teased

Slow build ups in erotica really get under my skin. A little flash of flesh, a suggestive word, a glance or a touch…being teased makes me desperate. While I often masturbate to sexy stories, I do like to hold myself back when I can, particularly if the characters are doing the same. Even better if there’s the occasional pulse of something more to get me all hot and bothered!

8. Victorian sex gets me revved up

Her Lady's MaidThere’s something superbly erotic about the serious prudishness of Victorian society. Add an undercurrent of debauchery, or something that’s still slightly taboo even today, and I’ll be practically squealing. Who doesn’t like the idea of doing something terribly naughty right under the noses of the disapproving gentry?

I had a lot of fun writing books like “Her Lady’s Maid“, especially with the knowledge that lesbianism was so shocking to Victorian minds that Queen Victoria herself refused to believe such a thing existed!

9. I’m an exhibitionist…at least in make believe

I love the thought of being watched, of a spectator spying my antics, whether that’s touching myself or playing with a partner. In real life I’m very very shy, but in erotica the fantasy is an amazing turn on.

Take my free short story, “Showtime“, for starters!


Hopefully you’ve enjoyed this list! Feel free to share your own revelations in the comments!

5 thoughts on “9 Things Erotica Has Taught Me About Myself

  1. Interesting. I’m in my second marriage and have had many women and I always felt (and in a number of cases confirmed) that penetrative sex was secondary to other forms of manipulation. BUT I always wondered if it was my penetrative sex that was the reason women would say that. Mine being with an average sized penis and generally not lasting for a terribly long time (although sometimes I have had exceptional sustainability). Wondering if most women agree with you about penetration.

    • Thanks for this, and for being so honest. Certainly you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself (excuse the pun). Penetrative sex isn’t the be all and end all, and foreplay AND aftercare are a hell of a lot more important. Everyone should concentrate a lot more on those. What’s interesting to me is that penetration doesn’t even turn me on in fiction. I’m always much more squirmy at the buildup.

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